(Eng.) Stupid Anxiety – 6 [Liability]

 

Author: Ssihobitt

Category: Chapter, Married Life, Fluff, A slice of Life

Main Cast: Han Sera & Cho Kyuhyun

 

She doesn’t know how many more times she needs to spend to sit in one of those doctor’s office only to hear rejection after rejection over her prospect of being a mother. It always begins the same, the vital check is always great, blood pressure always perfect, and she’d declare healthy and ready to carry on. But then the doctors will take a look further into her medical record and they will begin to shake their heads, saying it’ll be hard and risky. Moreover, none of the doctor seems to be ready to take her under their wings if she stubbornly decided to continue on with her pregnancy, none of them can give her more than 25% rate of survival during the third tri-semester of her pregnancy.

“But Doctor Kang, you’re the best ObGyn in the country.” Cho Kyuhyun begins to bargain, “All other doctors gave up the first time they see her medical chart, can’t you please help us to have baby? We won’t risk her health if you say it’ll be compromised. But please, please consider abortion as our very last option doctor.”

“Cho Kyuhyun-ssi, if what you demand from me is a safe journey for your wife to carry on with this, I can’t promise you more than 25% of survival rate. We have no guarantee over the new heart she has at the moment, it could be healthy and it could be fragile also. As long as we don’t know who the donor is and their genetics history, I really can’t change my suggestion.” Doctor Kang explains his worries.

“What if she takes a full bed-rest during pregnancy?” He doesn’t plan to give up.

“Oh she will have to, obviously. But that’s not my main concern.” He takes Sera’s old MRI scan from the time when just got a new heart. “We can see here, that even though the new organ is perfectly attached and coordinates well in her body, it’s still grafts into her original artery and that kind of suture is weaker than any original organ. What I’m worrying about is the suture will leak at some point from the pressure she’ll get during pregnancy.” He explains more to the couple sitting in front of him.

“So what you’re saying is, no matter how great I did with my transplant, I will never be able to do this?” Sera takes her conclusion, “You’re saying that no matter what, I’m never built to ever carry a child in me?” Her voice begins to shake. It’s not the first rejection for her but it hurts the same every time she hears it.

Doctor Kang nods, “I’m sorry about that, Han Sera-ssi. I really wish I can help you, but as a doctor I took a vow to save life and do no harm. It’ll harm you if you continue with this and not only it’ll be danger for you, it’ll be danger for your baby also.”

Sera stares blankly ahead to the screen in front of her, not even sure what kind of emotion the attacks her right now. The word disappointment doesn’t even begin to cover what she feels, she’s angry but she has no right feel like so, she feels like crying but she’s too tired to shed more tears, she’s heartbroken from her own weakness and she never hates herself more in her whole life.

“But let’s say I can get some info about her donor and I can make sure that’s the person is genetically healthy, can we proceed with this? can you take risk to allow her to continue with this if I can provide you with those background facts?” Kyuhyun still tries his best to find a way out of their problem. He promised her to go the distance and he’s doing exactly that to make this possible for them.

“Probably.” It’s the first time doctor Kang sounds positive about her pregnancy, “But the fetus is continuing to grow, Cho Kyuhyun-ssi. We don’t have much time—in fact, it needs to be done by the end of this week otherwise it’ll be too harmful for your wife. Digging a donor background is not as easy as you might imagine, even if you find the bio, their families probably will object to the idea of sharing their personal medical record.”

“We still have four days, doctors.” He presses his tone, “I’m not giving up yet. Just tell me you’ll allow me to do this and I’ll do my best to gather all the info you need.”

Doctor Kang takes an intense look into the couple in front of him, the husband is clearly stubborn enough to suggested that kind of idea. The determination in his eyes is clear and seems like this man is not taking ‘no’ as an answer. Beside him, the wife seems very resigned. It’s like she’s ready to give up for this and the empty gloomy look in her eyes doesn’t make her desperation any better. They both seem like a beautiful couple that try to conceive and how could he, as a doctor shrinks their hopes.

“If, and I say this clear—if only you can provide me with the correct medical prove about her donor, then I might have a second thought about helping you guys.”

Kyuhyun takes a glance over to Sera on his left, reaching out to her to hold her hand. “We will try our best for that doctor.”

Han Sera forces to lift the corner of her lips to form a smile, but only makes a flat line on her face. She appreciates Kyuhyun’s effort to support her and she’s grateful that she can finally met a doctor that’s willing to help her out. But four days? Four days to collect all those evidence? No matter how smart Kyuhyun is, how many relations he has and no matter how many channels he can contacts to gain what they need, four days is too short for all those.

Sera sighs, she knows where this will lead into and she’s too exhausted with the overwhelming feeling that consumes her. She understands that she’ll have to say her goodbye to the baby she’s carrying eventually, and she has four days to pretend to be an expecting mother and enjoys her last moment being so.

 

*

 

When it comes to her heart, they both know the perfect person to call and they have booked an appointment with doctor Song the next day. Their appointment is not until the afternoon and that means Sera and Kyuhyun can do their regular activities until then.

Kyuhyun has to go to work this morning, feeling half-hearted to actually do that but he can’t leave his own office for too long and he has an important meeting with his old boss today. While Sera decided to spend her day outside their house, it’s too depressing for her to surround herself with the enclosed walls and somehow taking a walk gives her the sense of peace that she needs.

Sera begins her walk towards the park in the neighborhood at first, but the she still feels the restlessness in her heart so she decided to take a bus ride somewhere to the downtown. She will be forced to take a lot of rest in the next several days and she tries to spend her free time to release her stress this way—while she still can.

She walks along the stores just for a simple window shopping and finds herself intrigued to enter a baby shop on the corner. She knows she’s not supposed to dig deeper into her despair but she can’t help not to smile a little when she sees a pair of little hot pink All-Star baby slippers displayed on the front window. Sera enters the shop then begins to look around for cuter baby stuffs. For a moment she’s forgotten about her bitter truth and enjoys herself with all the little things specially made for the little human.

She overheard a couple is fighting over a baby bouncer they need to have once the baby is born in the far corner of the shop, she witnesses two friends are busy discussing which toys is decent to give to their friend’s child as a gift, she lays her eyes on the baby box that advertises as the adjustable one so its length can be adjust according to the baby growth. The store clerk in the next aisle is explaining the differences of the baby products to her costumer and Sera is there busy checking the cute onesies for a newborn.

A part of her wants to go to the clerk and begin to ask for the best product for her future baby, she wants to join the fighting couple and question them of the importance of the baby bouncer in real life, she wants to know how long the baby box can actually extend itself to provide the baby and she’s dying to join the two girls’ conversation just to share their excitement.

But she’s grounded.

She knows there’ll be no use to obtain all that information if she’s not going to use it in the end. No matter how much Kyuhyun is now fighting for her, she knows the answer the moment her doctor looked at her in the eyes. It’s like Sera and doctor Kang actually came to the same bad conclusion, but only played along to fight for some more for Kyuhyun’s sake—it’s almost like they can’t let him down just yet when Sera herself is already apathetic about her fate.

She gets out from the shop carrying a little bag contains of the baby slippers in her hand. If she wants to sink her pathetic life in deeper despair she might as well goes full blast and re-life the shortest 6 words saddest story ever written by Earnest Hemingway—‘For Sale: Baby Shoes, Never Worn.’

Sera walks herself along the pavement being absent minded about her surroundings. It’s ironic how many people that are actually walking around her but she feels so alone. She can’t call her mother-in-law because she doesn’t want to burden her more, she doesn’t want to bother Kyuhyun because she can’t look straight into his face without noticing his tired eyes, it is Sera herself that’s being balky about keeping her baby up until this point and she feels responsible for her own stubbornness that’s now begins to cause pains to her husband and his family. A very little voice in her head keep telling her that she should’ve get rid of her baby the moment she knew about its existence and doesn’t drag the matter this far for her new family.

Her blank mind suddenly distracted by another window display on the street, the difference this time is that she can actually have what she wants and keep it with her. Sera enters the café and points to the key-lime pie that stole her attention earlier then looks around to find a cozy spot to sit and decided to sit next to the big glass window to enjoy her afternoon snack.

Her taste bud is still compromise from her pregnancy but she still able to swallow down some dessert no matter what—although her main choice these days are the tardy kind instead of the sweet one. Bites after bites she enjoy with a glass of mineral water to help her gulp down her cake and it’s one of the time when she feels like her troubles aren’t that heavy for her to handle. Sweets make her world better even just for a while and she’s taking her time to cherish it.

She almost finish with her cake when she sees the people she least expects to meet in her life. Just right outside of the café, her ex-husband if walking hand in hand with the new Mrs. Ok laughing happily to the distance. Sera follows their gaze and spots a little kid is running playfully towards the couple before Taecyeon picks her up and carry her in his arm.

She’s stunned in her place not really sure of her feeling. It’s been a long time ago since their divorce and both of them have moved on. But it’s not that fact that makes her heart clenching inside her, it’s the fact that Taecyeon is now finally living the life that they could’ve have—and the life she will never be able to provide to Kyuhyun.

Sera can’t even allow herself to dig deeper into her pain as she soon figures that the couple is actually heading towards the very café she’s enjoying her afternoon in and she needs to figure out the quickest plan to hide away from them. There’s no way Sera will go through an awkward meeting with her ex-husband new family, looking like a mess the way she is, without her husband next to her for support and feeling like crap all the way through.

She takes her handbag and move the most corner seat in the other part of the café, hiding herself behind a wooden partition provide in the café and continuously wishes that they won’t pick the seat anywhere near her, there’re plenty of space in the café anyway.

As she wished, Taecyeon and Yoona pick a seat quite far away from her so she’s able to avoid any inconveniences with them but it only means now she has to sit patiently in her spot, waiting until they leave. Sera sits far enough not to be able to hear their conversation, but have enough distance to observe what’s going on with them. Seems like Taecyeon and Yoona finally able to hit it off just right after the ruined wedding she caused them years ago. Sera can’t help not to smile seeing the happiness is back in Taecyeon’s face and how he seems to be less tense—just like his old self when they first met. The little girls that’s now sitting next to him looks a lot like her mother and the way Taecyeon treats the little girl like adult really amuse Sera in some way. Maybe years ago if she didn’t have the accident that led to miscarriage it’ll be them sitting there with their little boy, maybe she will have the picture perfect family that she always dreams of.

Sera shrugs the thought and returns to her current life, she’s grateful for what she has with Kyuhyun and she can’t be happier to have her best friend stand by her side for the rest of their life. No, she never regrets what happened to her story and Taecyeon, it happened and somehow it has led her to the most loving man she could ever met in her life. She never compared her life before and after Kyuhyun and she doesn’t want to, her husband is the best man in the universe for her and she’s thankful for the blessing heaven has given her. Her only regret is the fact that Kyuhyun chose to fell in love with her. If he didn’t fell head over heels over her, none of her troubles would be his and none of her hardship will bother him. Kyuhyun probably will have his own happy family, with a healthy wife and beautiful children—instead of a sick and fragile wife that can’t even have a risky pregnancy.

She takes a deep breath to prevent herself from shedding another tears. It’s one of those days when she feels like she gets a huge punishment from heaven for a mistake she doesn’t understand. If people say karma does exist, then what kind of bad thing she’s done to deserve any of this? she’s been a perfect daughter for her parents until she got married, she’s done everything she could to create a happy marriage life for her ex-husband, she fought her best to stay alive instead of just giving up and commit suicide, she tried to have a second chance with the man she knew loves her to his very core—she can’t find a missing piece that proved that she’s a bad person. But why is she tested with various unfortunate event that sometimes is just too much for her to bear?

The cake she ordered has long gone into her stomach and she finished her glass of water already, she wants to leave the place but can’t do it just yet since the people she’s avoiding is still enjoying their afternoon tea time. Sera leans back into her chair and closes her eyes while her hand automatically caress her own tummy. Soon she will lose this, soon enough her world will crumble one more time and she must stay strong for herself and for Kyuhyun. Sera eventually understood why Kyuhyun always denied wanting any kids from her, it’s his way to prevent them for experiencing this kind of heartbreak. He always thinks things through and she should’ve trusted his judgement instead of forcing themselves to fall in love with the idea of being parents—only to have it crush in the last minute. Now she’s not the only one that’ll be sad, Kyuhyun will be devastated also and Sera can’t imagine what kind of pain he has to take with him when the doctor takes out their future baby out of her womb. Will he hate her? Will he hate her for forcing her way? Or maybe he’ll hate her for convincing him to do this? Sera can think a million reasons on why Kyuhyun will despise her after this baby drama ended while she deeply hopes he’ll find at least one reason to stay by her side.

 

*

 

An hour later Sera managed to get out of the café and goes straight to Kyuhyun’s office instead of going home. They will have a meeting with doctor Song soon enough and she’d rather wait in his office instead of dragging her foot back home.

She arrived in his office and she has to go to the bathroom next to the elevator first before meeting him, her pregnancy hormones somehow demand her to go visit the restroom more often than usual. She does her business and washes her hand before she opens the door when she sees Kyuhyun is walking toward the elevator direction with the man that she recognizes as his old boss.

She was ready to greet both of them respectfully when she hears his old boss mentioning her name.

“So you’re rejecting my offer for the sake of Han Sera again?” The old man’s voice is what she can hear once she closes the bathroom door behind her.

Great, now she’s eavesdropping her husband’s private conversation.

“She needs me, Sajang-nim. I’m very interested in the join agreement but then again, I’m not sure I have the luxury of time in my hands.” Kyuhyun’s voice denies him politely.

“Iye, I understand.” The old man clears his throat, “but it’s really a waste of your talent, Kyuhyun-ssi. A long time ago you also resigned from my office to support her and this time it’s still about her.”

“I’m not complaining and it seems like I didn’t create any harm in your business back then.” Kyuhyun replies coldly.

“I know, you’re still the best employee I ever had and I apologize in advance if I’m being too blunt about this, your skills and talent is much more useful in the field if you use it the correct way. You used to be this highly driven man that puts work on top of everything before she came to your life.”

“She is my life, Sajang-nim. And I do feel offended if you talk down about my wife like that.”

“I’m sorry, I really am. It’s just that I really wish she’ll get well soon enough so you can be at ease and live the life you dreamed about when you first interviewed with me,” He chuckles, “remember when you said you dreamed of a life where you’re free of doing anything you want without anyone holding you back and a stress free life because you know you get all you need in your hands and you don’t have to worry about another people ruining your goal for you.”

Sera bites her lips upon the old man’s words, was that really his dream?

Oh lord, what have I done to my husband? She whispers in her heart.

“Those are my dream before I met her, Sajang-nim.” He replies politely, “I politely wish you will stop meddling with my problems and let me take care of it myself.”

“Iye, I understand. However, my offer is still available and maybe you can think about that after she gets well. My sincere wish on her wellbeing.”

“Thank you.”

“So I’ll excuse myself Kyuhyun-ssi.”

“Iye, take care Sajang-nim.”

Sera hears a ‘ding’ on the elevator that place beside the restroom and some steps that’s fading out—Kyuhyun’s steps she assumes. She takes her time to calm herself because what she just heard just added more misery in her already bad day. She’s trying hard to fight the urges to cry and she’s checking her own reflection in the mirror instead. She looks gloomy and sad, that’s not a good look for Kyuhyun to see, she doesn’t want him to know how bad all these doctor hunting has affected her, she’s been able to fool him so far by being over-excited about finding options and she can’t crumble just yet. They have their last hope lays in the hand of her old cardiologist, only until doctor Song says it’s impossible, only until then she’d give up—that’s also another reason why she put doctor Song in her last list.

She redoes her make up to lightens up her face and adds more shimmer under her eyes to hide the tired look stores in them. Sera adds more blusher to her cheek to disguise the paleness in her face and she doesn’t forget to retouch her lip gloss so she looks appealing in front of Kyuhyun. After she’s sure her whole appearance is fixed, Sera put on a big fake smile and heads out from the restroom into Kyuhyun’s office.

Sera knocks on his door and lets herself enters his room then spreads her arms widely to wraps the around him.

“I thought, I should pick you up.” Kyuhyun hugs her back and kiss her quickly before anyone in his office notices.

“I’m bored so I took a walk around and I dragged myself here.” She takes a seat in front of his desk. “It’s easier this way anyway.”

Kyuhyun smiles, slightly relieve to see his wife is still feeling up beat and pumped about their meeting with doctor Song.

“Shall we leave now?”

“Are you done working?”

He nods, “I was just about to leave to pick you up anyway. Come on, we can’t be late for this important appointment.”

Kyuhyun takes his coat and offers his arm for Sera to hold while they’re walking into their car. Sera gladly links her hands with his and leans into his shoulder, pretending like nothing happened and no bad news waiting ahead of them later. She chose to enjoys the lovely moments with her husband instead of worrying about their baby’s future that’s about to be decided for them soon enough.

The ride from his office to the hospital was the silent one, seems like Kyuhyun and Sera are occupied with their own thoughts and they don’t bother to interrupt each other—either that, or they both are secretly worried about the result they will hear from doctor Song today. They got themselves to Seoul hospital within half an hour and only waited for several minutes before the nurse allows them to enter doctor Song’s practice room.

“Please tell me everything is fine. I got goosebumps when I see your name in my patient list for today.” Doctor Song slides out from her desk and hugs Sera.

“Our visit doesn’t have any correlation to my heart doctor,” Sera smiles sweetly, “At least not yet.”

“Please take a seat.”

Kyuhyun and Sera try to make themselves comfortable seating in front of doctor Songs and Kyuhyun waste no time to deliver their reason of visit.

“So, I know you have a lot of patient waiting, I’ll point the problem right away.” Kyuhyun opens his briefcase and takes out Sera’s file.

Doctor Song receives it and slowly turning the pages.

“I’m pregnant doctor.” Sera can’t wait to announce the problem. “And honestly we’re afraid if it’ll affect me the way it used to.”

Her doctor lifts her face from Sera’s chart and a happy grin is showing on her face. “Congratulation! Oh my goodness! I’m so thrilled to hear the good news.”

Kyuhyun and Sera look at each other with question in their face and go back to look at doctor Song.

“So is it okay for her to carry a child?” Kyuhyun curls his eyebrow in confusion.

Doctor Song suddenly stops smiling, her joy that shown earlier vanishes in instant as she comes to the realization of their problem.

“Have you contact an ObGyn?”

“Believe me, we’ve went to more than twelve ObGyn.” Sera answers, “their answer are all the same.”

“That you can’t continue with this?” Doctor Song finishes Sera’s sentence.

Sera nods weakly.

“But, this doctor, doctor Kang Do Min—maybe you’ve heard of the man—he said as long as we can provide a clean medical record of Sera’s donor and prove that she owns a healthy heart, we can actually go on with the pregnancy.” Kyuhyun swipes into their conversation.

Doctor Song studies Sera’s chart in her hand and carefully taking notes of some bad number that shown on the chart.

“How sure is he with the pregnancy?”

“25 percent.” Sera answers. “From my last appointment with him, he mentioned two problems: the first one will be if my donor was genetically healthy and had history of weak ventricle within her family, the second one is about the suture of the post-operation—he worries that the future addition to my blood pressure during the old pregnancy will leak out.”

“Well, professionally I share his opinion.” She nods, “But I can at least guarantee that the second problem is not feasible for you since you’ve done the surgery more than three years ago, the tissue around it already bonded well with your new organ and leak in suture is the thing we should be worry in the first year of your post-operation.”

“So it’s not that risky?” Kyuhyun takes his conclusion.

“About the leakage? No, I can guarantee you for that, but of course Sera-ssi also has to cooperate by not doing much hard work that can add more pressure to her ventricle and artery’s job to pump the blood.”

For the first time since she knew about her pregnancy, Han Sera finally feels at ease. If their biggest worry is guaranteed safe by her ultimate cardiologist, then she’s positive about their chance of having a baby.

“However,” doctor Song continues, “The first problem is a huge problem indeed.”

Her words slams Sera back to the ground.

“It is very important to do a background check over that, since you had that history in you Sera-ssi. It’s mandatory for us to proceed with the genetical history of your donor.”

“Can we do that?” Kyuhyun moves his seat closer to the table, “Can we investigate that, doctor Song?”

Doctor Song takes a look into her schedule and nods, “Two weeks from now, I have time by then.”

“The problem is, we don’t have two weeks to abort the baby in case it’s dangerous.” Kyuhyun points Sera’s ultrasound to doctor Song and taps the age of their baby that’s already fifteen weeks.

“Dear Lord, why you both pushed it back to this point? Do you know how dangerous it is to do an abortion when the fetus has grown this big?” Doctor Song snaps at them. “Why didn’t you come and visit me earlier?!”

“Because we thought there’ll be an ObGyn somewhere in Seoul that can help us.” Kyuhyun answer innocently.

Doctor Song takes a second look into her schedule while trying to find an empty spot in her calendar to make time for both of them. “I have an open heart surgery tonight so I really can’t do it today, tomorrow is impossible either because I scheduled a surgery and I have to stay on alert on the ER. I can make time two days from now, is that okay for you?”

Sera bites her lips to help her hold her pain. “I scheduled for my abortion two days from now, doctor Song.” She explains calmly. “I already pushed the abortion a week from its designated schedule, it’s..”

“Can’t you really find sometime before then?” Kyuhyun presses his tone.

“Kyuhyun-ssi, even though I can squeeze you into my tight schedule, our search won’t be as easy as you might think. Only because I have the data of her donor, doesn’t mean her family still lives in the same place, doesn’t mean her family will be delighted seeing us knocking on their door asking for their medical record out of nowhere. It’ll be a longer process than you think it is and I really don’t want to get your hope up high only to bring you down. It’s always a sensitive case with the donor’s family.”

“But..”

“Kyu, don’t push her.” Sera places her hand on top of Kyuhyun’s, “I’m sure doctor Song is trying her best to help us just like she’s always been.”

“Han Sera-ssi, I really want to help you, please understand that. It’s just that the timing is too tight and it’s so sudden..”

“Or maybe you can give me the detail of her donor, I’ll find the family myself.” He’s not ready to be defeated just yet.

Doctor Song shakes her head, “I’m sorry, I made an oath to protect confidentiality and her donor happened to be the anonymous one so you still have to have me to come with you as the mediator. I really am sorry.”

“I understand, doctor.” She tries to put on a big smile on her face, “please don’t cross any line that could compromise your credibility, many patients will be very sad if you lose your job. I know I will be devastated if I didn’t have you as my doctor back then.”

“Can doctor Kim do this with me? He’s also the doctor assigned for this donor right?” Kyuhyun tries his last luck.

“He’s not in South Korea until next year, Kyuhyun-ssi. He’s taking a specialist studies in the Netherlands.” Doctor Song’s face shows her clear regret for the couple in front of her. She wants to help them, she does. But the time is too tight to do all that and she has another responsibility to her other patients. “I really wish I can help.”

Kyuhyun is about to say something but Sera already squeezing his hand, signaling him to stop bargaining with doctor Song only to make her doctor feels even worse than she already is. Sera’s aware that it is their fault to pushed it back to the very last moment to visit the cardiologist and regretting the thing they should’ve done is not the kind of thoughts she wants to have in her head.

Sera slowly gathers her file that lays on her doctor’s desk and pauses to take a close look to her latest ultrasound. She smiles weakly and shoves it all into the file before closing it at gives the file to Kyuhyun so he can put it back into his briefcase. “Thank you so much for your time, doctor Song.” She gets up and bows respectfully to her.

“Han Sera-ssi, I really am sorry.” Doctor Song gets up and rounds her desk to give a hug to Sera. “I really wish I can help.”

Sera pats her doctor’s shoulder, “You’ve done more than enough for me doctor, please don’t let this matter troubles you.”

Kyuhyun is confuse with Sera’s lack of attempt to convince doctor Song to help her, he can’t understand why Sera is being this resigned after their struggle to find as many opinions as they can, he wants to convince doctor Song to help him no matter how tight the time limit is but why is Sera holding him back and doing all these now? Has she given up already?

Sera links her hand in the bend of his elbow then drags him out of doctor Song’s practice room. The look on her face clearly tells him not to say anything as she only looks down on her feet on their way out of the hospital.

“Sera, shall we talk?” Kyuhyun opens the conversation as they both seat comfortably in the car.

Sera shakes her head, “Can we go somewhere calm? Please?” Her voice is shaky and she’s avoiding eye contact with him.

“Han River okay for you?”

She nods and leans her head back to the car seat while glancing away from her husband.

Kyuhyun is driving in auto-pilot stage with his head full of possibilities, they only have so little time to continue with her pregnancy and somehow he believes their chance is not over yet. He knows there’s something that he can do to make having a child is possible in their life and he’s trying so hard to harvest any kind of ideas from his brain—he’s open to any kind of stupid or smart ideas as long as it’s do-able and can safe his wife and child altogether.

Sera’s is not fooling him, he knows she’s tired and already lost her hope, he can’t blame her for that especially since she’s the one that’s carrying the baby and that makes her burden double up compares to his own burden. Kyuhyun’s aware that his wife has given up already from the way she avoids any kind of argument with her doctors, the way she keeps trying to look happy and up-beat in front of him, and her way to avoid any eye contact with him at the moment.

They arrive in the River bank and Sera already gets out of the car before Kyuhyun even done turning off its engine. She walks to the front of the car and leans on its bonnet while she’s trying to get as much cold autumn air into her lungs, she needs to calm herself down and her breathing technique doesn’t seem to work this time as she keeps feeling suffocated.

Kyuhyun gets out of the car, taking off his coat to wrap it around her shoulder and follow her to lean on the car. He’s only about to pulls her closer to him when Sera wards his hand away from her. Han Sera takes two steps away from him and the rest happen so fast for Kyuhyun.

Sera turns her head down then bending her knees as she gets herself closer to the ground, after she kneels in front of him, Sera bends her back and use her palm to support her body as she bows deeply towards her husband.

“SERA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” Kyuhyun quickly kneels in front of her and puts his hands on both of her shoulders to help her stand up.

He can feel how her whole body trembling as she trying to breath in between her cries and no matter how hard he tries to pick her up, his wife seems to be very persistent to keep bowing into him.

“S-Sorry.” She finally says a word.

“Sera, get up now! I don’t need you to do this, please get up.” He holds her upper arm and tries to lift her body up from the bending position.

Sera has a lot of things to say to him, how sorry she is, how she doesn’t want to be his burden any longer, she wants him to know that she never wished any of her hardship to become his, somehow Kyuhyun has to know that Sera never plan to bring this much misery into his life by being with her, she wants him to be happy and yet she continuously caused problem after problem into his life. Apology alone is never enough to cover what she wants to say and it’ll never replace what Kyuhyun had sacrificed for her.

Sera knows he didn’t just sacrifice his time and thoughts, he sacrificed his dreams for her, he gave up so much in order to be with her to continue to support her and Sera can no longer hold the pressure of being the biggest source of problem in his life. Cho Kyuhyun deserves more, he deserves better, but why the poor man chose to fell in love with her? why he chose to share her pain with him?

“Sera-ya, please.” His voice sounds tired, “Please don’t do this, let’s get up and talk shall we?”

She continues to cry out loud while trying to gather courage to say what’s on her mind. She has a lot to say yet her tongue is locked. She can’t even mutter a word to begin explaining herself to Kyuhyun and she’s trying to, she doesn’t plan to trap him into her miseries any longer—but she can’t speak. Her guilt has taken control over her mind and she’s too occupied with self-blame at the moment.

“Kyu..” She manages to say a word. “Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize to me, it’s not necessary. Look at me, Sera. look at me!” He cups her face and lift it up to see his wife closely and he feels like his heart is crushed from the sight of Sera now.

“You continuously.. support me..” She utters another words, “Through my hardships.. then.. and now..” her tone is getting higher as she starts to cry again. “You deserve more..”

“I don’t want more Sera..”

“I am the.. trouble in your life..” She begins patting her own chest to get rid of the pain she feels, “You could’ve.. achieve more without me..”

“Sera..”

“You could have.. a healthy wife..” She bites her lips to deliver her frustration, “A wife that has no.. problem to conceive your child..” She sobs for some more. “You can reach.. your dream without me..”

“STOP WITH THE SELF PITY WILL YOU?” he snaps out of his frustration from seeing his helpless wife that’s still bowing in front of him, “I CHOSE YOU! THERE’LL BE NO OTHE OPTION FOR ME BUT YOU, SERA! I’D RATHER BE ALONE THAN BE WITHOUT YOU, SO STOP IT!”

Sera continues to sob in front of him, what she saw today id enough to make her feel guilty for not being able to provide a comfortable life for Kyuhyun.

“You deserve.. better Kyu.. I’m a trouble.. and always will be..”

Kyuhyun uses all his power to actually lifts Sera from the ground and forces her to stand on her feet. He’s grabbing her by her upper arms while helping her to support her own body.

“I don’t like seeing you like this, Sera-ya.” He lowers his voice as her begins to feel like crying. “I chose you and never for a second I regret my decision.”

Sera is still avoiding his eyes, she knows she won’t be able to handle the pain of seeing disappointment delivers from his eagle eyes.

“Please Sera.” He cups his hands on her face the brushes his thumb to wipe her tears, “We only have each other to rely to, we share our pain and happiness together and this might be one of the hardest time in our life. But we have each other, I want you to remember that.”

She places her hands on his arms while squeezing the hard, as if she’s trying to get a support to help her to stand up and continues on with her life. Kyuhyun takes a step closer into her and enfolds her close to him. He lets her rest her head on his left chest with one hand supporting her face and his other arm rounds her shoulder to comfort her.

“Do you hear that?” He’s referring to his heartbeat that Sera can clearly listen to right now, “It still beasts the same way it did years ago, nothing is changed Sera. Don’t ever blame yourself for what happened to us because of the decision we made together. I chose to love you and asked to be a part of my life forever and we agreed to get married—it’s our decision. We both also agreed to try our best to have a baby and I know you’ve given up, I know you’re tired already so let these last legs be my battle, ne? let me try to dig into your donor since that’s our only option—I’ll try all the channels I have and all you need to do is trust me. As you said, if we’re going to murder our offspring, we must have left with no other option.”

“You don’t have to Kyu.” She whispers with her soar voice, “I don’t want you to get brokenhearted even more.”

He tightens his embrace in her and kiss the top of her head, “It’s only over when it’s over Sera, please allow me to fight for our baby.”

She can’t give him any answer, no matter what she says, he’ll do what he set his mind into anyway. Sera finally lift her shaking hands to wrap them around her husband’s waist and sinks her face deeper into his chest and enjoys the calming sense he’s always given her.

“I’m sorry Kyu.”

“No more apologies.” He’s rubbing her back and kisses the top of her head continuously, “we’re in this together and if you’re tired already, let me be your strength now, ne?”

“You always are.” She mumbles weakly as she hugs him tighter.

 

tbc…

 

p.s: Don’t ask when the Indo version will be released. I really have no idea.

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13 thoughts on “(Eng.) Stupid Anxiety – 6 [Liability]

  1. dayanaelf says:

    finally…. author know what i waiting for….

    sedih bgt sumpah , terlebih waktu sera puya pemikiran untuk ngejual sepatu bayi nya nanti , for sale : baby shoes, never worn, omooooo sediiih bgt, cuma 6 kata tapi nyakitin bgt sumpah.

    saluuuuut bgt deh sm kyuhyun, tp kenapa makin kesini mlh sera yang hampir putus asa, si kyuhyun yg malah mati2an tawar menawar sm dokter…

    pliiiiisss…. semoga perjuangan mereka manis diakhirnya yaa…. cz mereka udah sedih2 sakit2an di eps sebelum2nya , soooo.. give them the perfect happiness with a child belong them…. at least.

    thanks full…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Seo HaYeon says:

    Finally after a long while ago… ¿ 😂😂😂 I miss read Eng. Ver of your story.. 😄😄😄 and one of the foolness I have was when I ask myself will I understand well after long time no read your Eng. Ver story.. 😂😂😂😂 alhamdulillah masih paham.. hahaa… udah ckup ngetawain my stupidity deh haha… Ini mestinya aku juga sedih banget dg perjuangan mereka kak… kasian sera yg putus asa… pdhl kyu ud berjuang penuh semangat. yang terbaik semoga sudah menanti utk mereka berdua-pasangan tahan badai!! Aamin.. mmpung lagi bulan puasa semoga doanya kabul.. #apaIni 😅😅 Iya kak.. Happy Fasting Month ya…. 😄😄😄

    Liked by 1 person

  3. fall says:

    Eonn tolong post stupid anxiety yg indo vers nya dong plissss jangan pikirim coment yg negatif masih banyak ko fans eon yg nunggu terusan ff ini 😦

    Liked by 1 person

  4. ninanina says:

    saking gasabar nunggu lanjutannya jadi jg baca eng.ver nya. sedih bgt and i thought the same with sera, was sera did something bad?? sampe2 dia harus menderita satu demi satu /lah ini kan idenya authir ya biarin aja wkwk/ kalo mereka bisa jadi punya baby dan dua2nya sehat huff, we really hope so 🙏

    Liked by 1 person

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