(Eng.) Piles of Regrets – Part 7

Author: Ssihobitt

Category: Short Chaptered, Romance, Sad

Main Cast: Han Sera & Cho Kyuhyun

Supporting Cast: Ok Taecyeon

 

Since she collapsed, Sera’s condition has been worse and worse every day. Her doctors are fighting to get her a new heart but an eligible donor hasn’t come just yet. The hardest part of being a transplant recipient is waiting, especially when the organ you need is not something that can be harvested from a living donor. While waiting, the best thing the recipient can do is survive in any way possible.

As for Han Sera, her doctor has suggested her to undergo a surgery—another surgery—to attach an LVAD device on her heart. This device will help her heart to pump blood for her and obviously will give her more time.

Kyuhyun was just arrive when Sera and her doctors are arguing in her room about the very device they offered her.

“No, doctor Song. I don’t want to get that device. I told you, if I’m done, I’m done.”

“Sera-ssi, please don’t be too reckless with your decision, you’ve been here for more than a year, we can’t just throw away your struggle down the drain when it’s just months away for you to get better.” Doctor Song raises her voice, it seems like she’s already tired encouraging Sera to hold on a little longer.

Sera takes a deep breath; she tries to figure out a subtle way to tell her doctor—whom she knew has helped her a lot—that she’s too tired to go under several more procedures. “Look, doctor Song, I do appreciate everything you’ve done for me. But as we both remember clearly, it’s hard to get a heart donor and even when I got one, it’s taken away from me. What can guarantee that the next heart available will goes straight into my thorax?”

“But you can’t just ask for a DNR when we’re this close!” Doctor Song lost her patience. She’s been treating Sera from the beginning, and even she’s not supposed to, she’s become too attached to her. Seeing her favorite patient dying slowly without her doing anything is the last thing she was told in her medical school.

“She asked for what?” Kyuhyun steps into their conversation, after hearing a jargon he understands. “Ya Han Sera!! are you crazy?!!” He knows what kind of form she asked, it’s the Do Not Resuscitate form—the form a patient that’s usually has gone to an ongoing battle with their disease and they demand their doctors not to do any procedure to help them to stay alive in case they crashed. It’s a way for patients to tell the doctors they’ve given up and they rather die instead of having tubes inserted into their lungs, and heart to support their life.

Doctor Song turns into Kyuhyun, she thinks this might be her last resort to ask someone else to encourage Sera to keep fighting the battle. “Can you please talk to your wife, she asked me not to help her the next time she’s crashing!”

“He’s not my husband, doctor. And no, he won’t help you. This is my decision.”

“Well, you’ll need a lawyer for that, good luck finding one that agrees with your crazy idea.” Doctor song snaps at her.

“I’m lawyered up, he’s in front of you.” Sera points her finger to Kyuhyun. “Kyuhyun-a, please help me to prepare a DNR form, give that to her after I signed it.”

Kyuhyun steps closer to doctor Song while trying to suppress his rage towards his crazy best friend. “I’ll talk to her, doctor. Don’t worry, I won’t be her lawyer that prepares that crazy shit she’s rambling now.”

Doctor Song give Sera an annoyed look before she steps out of her room, leaving Kyuhyun and Sera alone.

Kyuhyun has no idea what’s been going on with her lately. She lost her appetite, she lost her interest in anything, she doesn’t read anymore, all she does was just lying helplessly on her bed. And today she asked for a DNR form, what is going on with her exactly?

“If you don’t want to be my lawyer, I’ll find another one.”

“WHAT IS GOING ON WITH YOU?!” He lost it, he no longer can hold his anger. “I THOUGHT WE’RE FIGHTING TO GET BETTER, WHY THE DNR FORM SUDDENLY?”

“I’m tired Kyu, I can’t continue with this battle. I don’t want a machine attach to me to support my life.”

“But you just have to wait a little longer Sera-ya.”

“Do you know what she just offered me?” Sera points her finger towards the door, “she said I have a chance to live longer while waiting for a new heart by inserting this portable device in my heart. I don’t want to turn into a cyborg. I don’t need a machine telling me what to do with my life.” Sera begins to sobs again, she doesn’t understand herself, she used to have big hope to be cured but now she’d rather give up and die. “Hold my hand now.” She offers Kyuhyun to hold her.

He obeys her and links his hand into hers.

“It’s cold right? That’s because my blood doesn’t circulate the way it used to. If I let a machine runs it for me, it won’t make it any better. Don’t you think it’s weird for me to stay alive but even my body doesn’t heat up anymore?”

“But it’ll give you more time Sera-ya. Can’t you please consider this option? Didn’t you say you still have a lot of thing to do?” He sits on the edge of Sera bed, using his best persuasive skill to change her mind.

“You really won’t be my lawyer?” She looks at him with the most hopeless look he’s ever seen on her.

“No.” He looks closely to the woman he adores in front of him. How much has she suffered to make her giving up like this. “I never asked you for anything, didn’t I?” His eyes begin to feel really hot as he’s about to cry. “Can I ask you one thing today, Sera-ya? Please don’t sign any DNR form and please do the surgery your doctor suggested you.”

“But Kyu…”

“Please do it for me.”

“WHAT DO YOU EXPECT FROM ME, HUH? I’M ALREADY DAMAGED AND BROKEN AND I CAN’T EVEN BEGIN TO THINK WHAT TO DO WITH MY LIFE AFTER THE SURGERY. I DON’T KNOW WHERE TO GO AFTER THIS, I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO AFTER THIS, I’M LOST! OKAY? I SEE NO POINT OF GETTING BETTER IF I DON’T HAVE ANY—”

“You can stay with me after this! We’ll figure out something for you to do, or you can travel the world if you want to, that’s what you like right? If you feel lost at the moment, then let me help to guide you Sera-ya.”

“Kyu, you know I can’t give anything to you.” More tears flowing from her eyes, “maybe you still have that adoration you kept for me, but honestly Kyu, I’m too embarrassed to present myself to you or to anyone else.”

“Han Sera…”

“Do you still think of me as the pretty girl you used to know back then?” She’s pointing to her face, “I’m not Kyu, I’m not the pretty Sera you used to know and even if I peel off my clothes in front of you, you won’t see my sexy body, instead you’ll see a lot of scars from my surgeries. I’m not who I used to be and I hate it.” She finally blurts out her concern. Being heartbroken is one thing, but looking at herself in the mirror and knowing she doesn’t have what it takes anymore has really brought her to the lowest level.

Kyuhyun stuns in his place, he never thought Sera would think that far about both of them. At the time what he’s thinking is purely her health and nothing else. He never knew she could be so insecure about herself, I mean how could she? She’s a goddess in his eyes no matter what.

“I know, and I don’t’ expect anything from you either. Knowing you’re alive and healthy is enough for me Sera-ya.” He takes her head and let her leans on his shoulder where Sera can cry her heart content.

“Heaven only knows how long it’ll take Kyu. I don’t like being stuck in these hospital walls. I want to get out, I want to be like a normal person.”

“I know,” he rounds his arms around her and starts patting her back, “you said the device is portable right? That means it’ll make it easier for you to get around, don’t you think?”

“But…” Sera lifts her head from his shoulder to look at him in the eyes.

“I swear to God, if you push your luck and refuse this treatment, I’ll hate you forever Han Sera!”

“You’ll hate me for dying?” Her voice raises as her cry breaks harder, now she’s the one that begins to be shaken.

“I hate you for making me fall in love with you, for the second time. And I will hate you for not giving me your best this time around.” His tears are flowing freely from his eyes, he doesn’t care if he cries in front of her. This is too much for him to bear alone. “Do it for me! If you can’t find a reason to stay alive then please stay alive for me! Give me a chance Han Sera!”

Sera widens her eyes, she can’t believe this man before her still stay true to his feeling the way he did few years ago. She knows how sincere he was and he hasn’t changed a bit ever since. He’s someone that’s gladly being by her side even when she has nothing left to gift, how could she let him down? She knows she can’t do much for him nor she can reciprocate the love he gave her, but she knows she can fight more to stay alive.

“Please, Sera-ya.” He begs one more time.

Sera runs her finger to wipe the tears on his face before she pulls him closer to hug him. “Don’t shed more tears for me, Kyuhyun-a. I didn’t know it can be this painful to see you cry.”

“Please.”

Arraseo, I won’t sign any DNR form and I will undergo that surgery to implant the device in me.” She’s patting his back to calm him down.

Kyuhyun cannot be happier to hear her decision, he hugs her tighter as if he’s not willing to let her go. Not this time, he’ll go the distance for her this time around, he won’t let her being taken away by anything.

“But you must take me out after the surgery, I miss eating fatty food.”

“Don’t push your luck too far Sera-ya.” He pats her head with one hand while his other hand busy wiping his own tears.

“Hamburger and fries. Please. Ne?” She puts on her big grinning face as she offers him her pinky finger.

“I’ll see what I can do about that.” He links his pinky finger and stamp their thumbs.

*

Kyuhyun is busy tidying up his briefcase and his overnight bag when his secretary knocks on his door. He looks at his watch one more time, it’s 5 o’clock and he needs to get out of this office very soon because tonight Sera will undergo an open heart surgery to implant the LVAD device on her heart. He can’t be late for this, he promised her to be right outside waiting after she’s done with the surgery.

“Good afternoon lawyer Cho, I’m want to give you these things that’s been piling up on my desk, you haven’t take you mails.” She enters his room and drops a bundle of mails for Kyuhyun.

“Ah! Yes, I’m too occupied with other thing. Thank you.” He takes his mail with him. “I’ll read them in my car.” He wastes no time to chit-chat with the secretary.

He quickly walks towards his car and turns the engine on, while waiting for his car to heats up he’s looking through the mails he just got. The top piles consist of spam mails, his bank report, and some promotion from nearby restaurants. What caught his eyes is the navy blue mail that’s ticker than the others.

He puts down the rest of his mail and rips the blue mail envelope to see what’s inside, his jaw tightens the moment he reads what’s written with the gold ink.

“Ok Taecyeon and Im Yoona wedding ceremony!?” He reads the title out loud. “Ya! This guy really, the ink on his divorce papers aren’t dry yet and he’s planning on being married to someone new! Bollocks!” He’s too annoyed with the invitation so he shoves it into the insertion behind the car seat.

He swifts the gear and begin driving with his mind that’s full of curses towards Taecyeon.

“He’s good for nothing. It’s awful enough that he abandoned Sera during her post-miscarriage like that, but nooo… he can always make matters worse. It’s so easy to throw the ex-wife into the bin and find another new wife. Aish jinjja! Han Sera!! what were you thinking when you agreed to marry him! You reckless girl.” He punches the steering wheel in front of him angrily.

“If you didn’t met him that time, I’m sure I can make your life better and happier Sera-ya.” He continues his monolog.

He’s too angry for Sera, he can’t believe how fast Taecyeon is moving on from her. Kyuhyun also couldn’t believe himself for being sympathized to his previous client when he said Sera has left him without a trace for a year. He once accused Sera’s having an affair somewhere, but now he’s certain that Taecyeon was the one that had an affair. It doesn’t make any sense that he can find Sera’s replacement that fast.

“The bastard even managed to convinced me that he’s the victim.” Kyuhun’s slapping his own head. “What kind of fool you are Cho Kyuhyun! How could you let that man deceive you! Aish! Han Sera, you poor girl. How could you helplessly fall in love with him, how could you let him leave you and live the kind of life you’re living now?!” He punches his steering wheel several more times to release his anger. “How could you see a man like him but ignore somebody like me that’s patiently walks beside you.”

Kyuhyun continues driving angrily towards the hospital, he has made up his mind along the way: Han Sera cannot know about this. She already had enough problems on her shoulder without having to know the truth about her previous husband.

He parks his car and hurried himself to visit Sera’s room, he needs to see her before she undergoes the surgery. It could take hours until all device implanted inside her body and he also knows she will need the after post-operative-physiotherapy to get used to the new machine inside her.

“I thought you’ll be late.” Sera greets Kyuhyun with her sweet smile.

He enters her room and put his overnight bag on the couch he’s been sleeping on for the last few weeks.

“I won’t miss it. I told you, we’ll go through this together.” He sits next to her on her bed. “How are you today?”

“Honestly?”

“Ng. tell me.”

She crosses her legs and support her chin by the palm of her hand. “I’m scared. It’s been a while since they opened me up.”

“It’s a big surgery isn’t it?”

Sera nods. “They will rip open my sternum, it’s already opened before so they just need to get the pins they put there the last time. Next, my heart will be exposed and they’ll begin installing the device.” She taps her own chest bone while explaining the procedure to him. “What makes me worry the most is the cable that’s hanging out of my thorax, it’s too scary to imagine something’s dangling out of my skin and that thing attached to the battery that I have to carry for the rest of my life.”

“Not for the rest of your life, Sera-ya. Just until we get you a donor.” Kyuhyun tries to cheer her up by saying positive things.

“It’s disgusting Kyu.”

“Ya! What disgusting? Don’t you dare say that word. It’s amazing Han Sera. that thing will keep you alive longer and that’s an amazing thing. Arraseo?”

“I won’t be able to take proper shower after this.” She chuckles to her own unfunny joke.

“You’ll still look beautiful nonetheless.” He pinches her cheek playfully.

The doctors enter her room and prep her for the big surgery. Doctor Kim introduce Sera and Kyuhyun to the doctors that’ll be involve in the surgery and also explain the step-by-step process of the big operation they will perform on her. Sera says goodbye to Kyuhyun before the doctors drag her into the operating room and Kyuhyun promised her that he’ll be right out front when she’s done.

“See you later Kyu, remember my burger and French fries.” She holds his hand to encourage herself.

“Remember to stay alive. If you see a bright light guiding you through heaven, avoid it! You have to come back, okay?” He holds back his tears before sending her in.

“I’ll come back for those tasty fries for sure.” Sera winks to him and waves goodbye.

*

In the basement of his old apartment, Taecyeon has been fighting his own conscience. He’s no longer able to hold his desire to meet Sera. After what’s happening lately in his life, he feels like he can at least talk it out to her, she’s his best friend after all, with her he can talk about anything. Taecyeon understands how cruel it will be to her if she knows what he’s about to do a month from now, but in the other hand, he’d rather tell her about his engagement himself since it’ll more painful to her if she learns about the truth from anybody else.

It’s been an hour or so since he arrived when he finally decided to come up and knock on her door. He’ll take whatever wrath Sera will throw at him, he will kneel in front of her if he must, he just can’t stand feeling so guilty towards the person he loves dearly.

He rings her bell once, no one answered.

He tries again for the second and third time, seems like nobody’s home.

Taecyeon tries his luck by entering the passcode into their old apartment—their wedding date—and the door finally opens.

So even after the divorce, Sera still lingers into their old passcode. The thought alone is enough to make him feel lower.

The apartment is dark and empty. Taecyeon thinks maybe Han Sera is going out so he looks at his watch, it’s almost midnight and he thinks it’s too late for Sera to be out. But then again, he’s no longer her husband that’s allowed to tell her what to do and what not.

He rounds their apartment to see what she’s done with it and it took him almost fifteen minutes to realized that nothing has changed. The arrangement of the furniture is still the same, the bed sheets weren’t changed, the plates they cleaned the last time are still in the dryer, everything is where it’s supposed to be. It almost looks like no one lives here since the night of their divorce hearing.

Taecyeon opens the wardrobe to see if her clothes are still in there and he lost his balance then falls on his knees once he realizes all of her clothes are gone.

That’s when it finally hits him. Han Sera really did move out from this place. She told him she doesn’t want to take the apartment and she stayed true to her words. She never returned.

He used to think he still can see Sera if he wants to, he thinks he knows where to find her if he needs her. But now, this empty apartment has told him the harsh reality he needs to accept. Han Sera is once again missing and out of his reach.

*

Sera opens her eyes slowly as she’s adjusting to the lighting in her room. She takes a deep breath and to her surprise, she’s able to breathe easier. Is the operation done? Was it successful? She chokes on the breathing tube inserted into her wind pipe and this bring attention from her doctors.

“She’s awake, remove the breathing tube from her mouth, she can breathe on her own now.” That’s what she hears vaguely.

An intern come closer to her and pulls the tube that’s been choking her. “Han Sera-ssi, this is your intern doctor. I have called doctor Kim and doctor Song to check on you. The operation went very well. Congratulations.”

Sera blinks once to thank him.

Not long after, two of her favorite doctors come to visit her and do regular check on her vitals and pulses.

“Sera-ssi, can you hear us?”

Sera blinks one more time, it’s too tiring for her to opens her mouth to speak.

“You’re a tough girl.” Doctor Song raise both of her thumbs in front of her face, “the surgery went very well, you’re supposed to feel better after you’re fully conscious.”

“Sera-ssi, the device has been implanted in you and we need to know if you can breathe better right now.” Doctor Kim attentively watch her heart rate monitor.

Sera blinks and force herself to form a smile. It was a weak smile but her doctors understand that their patient has succeeded her LVAD surgery.

“Well, the recovery progress won’t be too long until you’re able to do everyday activities now.” Doctor Kim smiles back at her. “We’ll get Kyuhyun-ssi, he’s been waiting anxiously outside for eight hours.”

Eight hours? Was she sedated that long? Did Kyuhyun really waited in front of the surgery department for her? He must have been so tired from worrying about her. Sera can imagine how anxious he must have been outside, not knowing whether the operation went well for her or not.

Sera sees Kyuhyun from the corner of her eyes, as he gets closer, Sera awares that he’s crying while cupping his mouth with his hand. This experience was too much for him to bear. He’s scared, he’s scared for her and he’s also scared if she didn’t make it through the procedure.

Kyuhyun cries for some more once he sees the condition Sera’s in. He can no longer counts how many tubes inserted inside and out of her body, she’s barely covered with hospital gowns and at this point Kyuhyun understands why Sera was about to give up about her life. The machine that supports her life in the last eight hours were so huge and noisy, it makes her look like some lab experiments to create another Frankenstein’s monster. He can’t imagine how much pain she has to endure at the moment and he’d like to switch place with her to avoid her being in massive pain.

Sera manages to lifts her whole palm and signals Kyuhyun to get closer. She’s completely aware of how minimum the hospital dress is covering her body, but she doesn’t care. She just wants to calm her friend that’s too overwhelmed with what he sees.

“Sera-ya, mian. I shouldn’t cry like this.” He presses his own nose in order to hold back his frantic breathing.

Sera flips her palm, asking him to hold her hand. He comes closer to obey her.

“Thank you for doing this Sera-ya. Thank you.” He continues sobbing. “I’ll be by your side every step of the way. I won’t go anywhere, I promise.”

Sera tightens her grip on his hand and tries another attempt to smile.

The pain she feels at the moment is nothing like she ever experiences before. Although she’s given enough morphine to keep the pain away, some of the scars still stings in an uncomfortable way. But she never breathes easier than today since a long time, her breathing is not rapid and short anymore and the machine that’s beeping next to her is telling her about the regular heartbeat she hasn’t had for a long time.

*

“What do you think about this dress oppa?” Yoona breaks Taecyeon from his daydream.

Taecyeon turns his head towards her and give a quick stare half-heartedly, “You look good in everything, Yoona-ssi.”

The soon-to-be bride and groom are busy preparing for their wedding and now both of them are in the wedding house trying on dresses and tux for them to wear on the big day.

The closer they are to the wedding date, the less interested Taecyeon is with the very matter. His mind is filled with Han Sera and Han Sera only. He can’t work properly, he can’t sleep and he can’t even look at his future bride in the eyes.

Taecyeon has called his right-hand man and order him to track down Sera, but then again he also did it the last time and he couldn’t find her. Taecyeon told him to begin the search from her debit card—which she used apparently, but in a considerable amount and she takes it regularly, so nothing unusual from her activity.

When tracked further, Taecyeon learns that Han Sera is still in Seoul, but her whereabouts is still a huge question mark because the places where she takes her money are inconsistence, almost like she’s trying to hide her own track. But he’s a bit relieves when he knows she’s using her alimony well, at least he knows she’s not homeless and lives in hunger.

“Oppa, between the three dresses, which one you’d prefer?” Yoona asks him again.

He blinks several times to remember what she just wore and he blanked out. He doesn’t give a fuck which dress is best, she can wear jeans and t-shirt and he couldn’t care less. However, Taecyeon obviously avoids having argument with her, because an argument with her could lead to more arguments with the parents and that’s the last thing he needs now.

“I like the last one best.” He forces a smile yet still avoids eye contact to her.

Jeongmal? Okay, I’ll take that one then.” She signs the store clerk to wrap the wedding gown for her. “Oppa, should we go somewhere after this?”

Taecyeon pretends to look at his watch while finding an excuse, “I must go back to work, Yoona-ssi, there’s an important meeting with my client from overseas this afternoon. I’ll just drop you off the hospital, okay?”

Yoona pouts her mouth, it’s been weeks since his attitude changed towards her, is he having cold feet? Or he’s just really busy at the moment? Yoona’s not too sure, but she’s too delighted about her upcoming wedding so she’ll just shake it off.

Arraseo, will you have time for dinner?”

“I’m not sure. Mian.” He leads Yoona out of the wedding house and takes her to the hospital where she works immediately.

Taecyeon didn’t completely lied to Yoona, he does have an important meeting but instead of a meeting with a client, he’s having a meeting with a private detective he just hired. He decided to figure out Sera’s whereabouts and if possible he wants the report given to him before his wedding. He still feels the obligation to tell this himself because that’s the less cruel way in his mind.

The detective he hires has asked him anything he knows about Han Sera, what she likes, what kind of place she usually hang out to, what kind of background she has, history of illness and who her friends are. Taecyeon surprised himself when he thought he knew so little about Sera. The moment they got married it was pretty much just both of them against the world, she doesn’t hang out a lot and her family are in Jeju Island so she doesn’t visit them too often. As for her background Taecyeon knows she comes from a wealthy family and she has no illness that needs big attention, so really Taecyeon really has no idea how the man he just hired could find her.

“I have contacted her and it seems like she changed her number. Here’s the debit card activity I gave her, it’s all normal and the places where she withdraws the money are in Seoul, right?” Taecyeon needs to convince himself one more time.

“Yes it is, but there’s no way somebody just missing, I will start to look around from the places where she withdraws the money and begins to look into the surroundings.”

“Please get me the report within two weeks, I’m getting married in two weeks and it’s very important for me to find her before that.”

The detective is about to bid his goodbye once he remembers something, “Ah, Taecyeon-ssi, do you also have her insurance detail? That’ll be my last resort but who knows it’ll help to find her.”

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One thought on “(Eng.) Piles of Regrets – Part 7

  1. Seo HaYeon says:

    So finally I can finish to read this… Yeah Yeah!! I’m touched when Kyu gives his support for Sera.. it’s so beautiful. Heheh.. *actually I saved this part in the morning when I had my eyes on my students of mid semester examination_and I end this just now wk* mianhamnida.. *bowing* Annyeong uri Author.. hiks hiks How I miss your present huhu.. 😀 You’re no longer update everyday, I wonder that you also have to be busy.. 🙂 So thank you for not forget to post this.. 😉 I’m waiting for all of your story 😀

    Like

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