Category: Romance, NC-21, Chaptered
Cast: Cha Eungi, Choi Siwon, Cho Kyuhyun
Kyuhyun has been in a state of conscious and unconscious all over the night, he opens his eyes at one point during the night and thinks he’s dreaming since the woman he’s been missing is now sleeping soundly while hugging him right next to him. He’s too weak to move a finger so he closes his eyes again and takes his sweet dream one more time for the rest of the night. If the only illusion he can have of Eungi laying in his arm is by being extremely sick like this, he’ll take his stupid misfortune as a blessing.
He awakes the next morning completes with his common sense. Kyuhyun turns in his sleep and sinks his face deeper into the soft pillow beneath his head and the scent that greets immediately him takes him to nostalgic memories he has of her. The place he’s in right now smells exactly like her scent that he remembers and he takes his time to reminisce the moment before he finally opens his eyes.
The first sight he sees in front of him is a giant rabbit plushy that stares blankly at him with its dotted eyes. Kyuhyun lifts his body but the pain in his head strikes again so he slams his head back into the pillow. He grunts a little bit before he does a second attempt to get up from his position, using his elbow to support him, Kyuhyun finally managed to sit on the bed properly. He glances around the room he’s in and tries to collect the memory that leads him to this very place, he knows where he’s in since he’s been here before during her drunken time. He thought he was dreaming last night when he sees Eungi sleeping next to him, but judging from the place he’s in right now, he knew he wasn’t hallucinating.
He tries to get up but distracted by the outfit he’s wearing. He doesn’t remember ever having this kind of hoodie before, he then lifts up the blanket that’s covering him and a simple smile draws on his face—Cha Eungi must have took off all of his clothes yesterday and only left him with his boxer on. Kyuhyun glances to the side table and reads the notes she wrote for him: ‘Drink this once you’re awake, don’t argue with me!’ He chuckles and obeys her order as he takes two pills she prepared for him and gulps it down with the glass of water next to him.
His attention diverted from studying her room to the sound he hears from a distance. Kyuhyun stands up and slowly takes his steps towards the source of the sound to find Cha Eungi who’s now busy preparing something from the stove. He clears his throat to make an entrance and Eungi turns her head at once.
“You’re awake.” She rounds her eyes and turns off the stove.
Kyuhyun nods and give his best attempt to smile at her.
She approaches him and nimbly places her palms on both of his cheeks to check with his temperature. It’s oddly natural for them to act like this considering their hurtful history, Kyuhyun bites his lips nervously with her face being so close to his while Eungi is still consume with her worries over his fever.
“It’s better than last night but still high enough, let’s go to a doctor after breakfast, ne?” She then pulls him towards the dining chair.
“I feel better already, no need to see any doctor.” He takes his seat and support his heavy head with his fists.
“Do you want me to scold you? You passed out Kyu! You dived face first onto my porch, how do you call that ‘okay’?” She raises her voice but her expression delivers her concern instead of anger.
“Because I feel fine already, you took a great care of me, got rid of all my wet clothes, put me into this warm hoodie.” He spread his arms to the side and smiles, “I haven’t felt this great in a long time.”
“Sorry about your clothes, it was drenched and it could make your fever higher.” She looks down to her foot to hide her blushing cheek.
Kyuhyun chuckles, “It’s okay, you’ve seen everything anyway.”
His blunt answer only makes Eungi’s face feels hotter so she avoids being stuck in this awkward conversation to continues her cooking.
He lays back on the chair and enjoys the view of her preparing breakfast for him, he still considers this as a part of his dream since suddenly they communicate the way they used to and they’re back in this familiar warmness that’s always created around them back then, it’s too good to be true but he has no objection whatsoever.
Eungi walks towards the table with a tray in her hand, he’s about to get up to help her but she’s stares him down and quickly places one bowl of porridge in front of him. “Finish that.” She talks without looking at him and walks back to the sink to put down the tray before she joins him on the table.
Kyuhyun takes the spoon she gives him, scramble the porridge a little bit, then takes a full potion into his mouth. Since he lives in Delft, he’s trying hard to adapt to Dutch food and he’s at the peak of his boredom for the mild flavor that’s contradictory to Korean spices, having Eungi cooking him a Korean styled food as his breakfast clearly has made his morning even better.
“Do you like it?” She asks hesitantly.
He nods and scoops another spoonful into his mouth and gives Eungi a thumb up with his left hand.
She’s enjoying the sight of him taking spoonful after spoonful of the food she carefully prepared for him while secretly thanking heaven for the chance of having a simple non-awkward breakfast with her man. If only this could happen every day in their life, but she shrugs the dreamy thoughts away from her head immediately, she doesn’t want to let herself fall into the pit of her own expectation.
“By the way, how did you move me to your bed?” He opens a casual conversation with her, “I must’ve weight you down.”
Eungi grins widely, “You gained a lot of weight, aren’t you? It was challenging but I had my way.”
“Since all I do mostly involve sitting down, reading, typing and eating, I have no defense over my weight gain. Dutch food doesn’t make it any better, they incorporate butter in almost anything!” He scoffs playfully, “So, you lifted me up?”
She shakes her head, “Let’s say I used your back to clean up my floor.”
He chuckles, “So you pulled me to the bed, classic yet effective. I’m sorry to caused that kind of trouble, I imagine it must be hard for you to do that.”
“Well, don’t push yourself too much next time, ne?”
Kyuhyun smiles and takes the last spoonful of his porridge.
“You could’ve called me to cancel our meeting yesterday.” She blurts out again, “we can always reschedule if you didn’t feel well, no need to push yourself to the limit.”
Kyuhyun puts down his spoon, takes the glass of water next to him to gulp down his food. He then extends his right hand towards her and flips his palm to face upwards. “Then why don’t you write down your number there so I can give you a call? In fact, I’ll tattoo it so that next time I lost my phone again, I’d still have your contact etches on my skin.”
He once again caught her off guard with his words. Eungi stares at him with question in her eyes while Kyuhyun’s eyes fixes on hers with clear agony. They were just having a casual joke about what happened yesterday and now suddenly the topic swifts into their real problem.
“That time, you thought I left you without notice, didn’t you?” He continues, he’s in the right track to reopen their wound so why not go all the way and finish it now.
“I-I..” She’s can’t even put together some words since she’s too shock to replies.
“I was wrong, I left that night thinking that I could contact you later on—only to be reminded I lost your contact in that damned stolen phone. Not that calling you from the airport would make things any better, but at least I thought I’d let you know that way, since I had an emergency measure.”
“You still can call me from a public phone.” She finally utters her first argument.
“And press what number?” He clenches his jaws together, “I can’t even memorize my own phone number, how am I going to remember yours?”
“You could’ve write a note.” She bargains with options he could’ve took. “You could leave a message in the receptionist downstairs, you could’ve wake me up or wait for me—you could’ve stayed. You had many options Kyu, and you picked the worst one.”
He takes a deep breath, secretly agreeing with her argument.
“Do you know what crossed my mind the morning I woke up without you? I thought something bad had happened to you! I called the embassy to track you down, do you know how much it struck me when I head you’re cleared by the France immigration? Do you ever feel so worthless in your life that you let yourself being toss away in instant? That’s exactly how I felt!” She throws him with the words she’s been keeping in her heart.
“AND DID YOU THINK IT WAS EASY FOR ME?!”
“You-left-me. For all I know, it’s always easier to be the executor than to be the condemned.” Eungi notices her breathing is getting faster as consequences of her emotion that’s slowly raising up.
“It was chaotic that night and I couldn’t think straight. Look, I’m not trying to defend myself since I know how wrong I was to left you without notice in the first place.” He closes his eyes as he’s forcing his brain to work faster, “I just need you to understand that I didn’t mean to leave you, I planned to return but I had all these missed calculation during the chaos.”
“Chaos? What kind of chaos? You saw me fell apart that evening, is that chaotic enough to mess with your common sense?! If there’s somebody that’s allowed to be bewildered that night, it was me!” She scoffs, “The only excuse I’ll take for that reason is only if your relatives die out of the sudden.”
“My dad had a stroke.”
She feels like he’s throwing a bucket of cold water to her face. Eungi’s gasps in surprise and her mouth shut at once as she takes her hand to cover it. “Is he? Did he?” She can’t finish her words since she’s afraid it’ll offend him.
“He survived his first attack, don’t worry my father is still breathing as we speak. No need to feel guilty over it.”
She’s still too taken aback to reply.
Kyuhyun clears his throat and slides his empty bowl away to the side, “I know how wrong I was to you, noona. If I were you, I’d hate me too, I’d curse at me and I’d even vow to never see me again—which I was sure that’s your reason of disappearance.”
Eungi gets up from her chair to take the empty bowl and brings it to the sink, she doesn’t know why she’s trying so hard to avoid this conversation, she’s too afraid that she’ll hate him more if she learns the whole truth. She was ready to forgive him last night without hearing his reasons, having him explaining it all just brings back all of her insecurities that she buried neatly in her mind.
Kyuhyun takes her signal clearly but chose to ignore her avoidance. “My step mother came to our rental apartment that nigh when I was about to buy our take-out, she tried to call me but I always reject her call so in the end she came to Paris with a hint from my credit card bills to deliver the bad news.”
She’s still busies herself with the dishes, pretending not to hear what he needs to say.
“Her main concern of course about my father’s condition, but as usual, she had a hidden motive and that motive is to get me back to Seoul so I could take care of appa’s business immediately. The board of directors were taking away their investment and I was the only one who had a say to stop that, she even prepared the earliest plane ticket that left Paris for me.” He continues talking no matter how hard Eungi tries to look busy. “That night, I planned to tell you about it but you already fell asleep so I figured I’ll skip the first flight and would take the evening one with you. But then I took a look into your first draft in your laptop. I was so immature back then to be affected so much by your beautiful words that you used to describe him, that night my fortress fallen and suddenly my mind went blank.”
Eungi begins to tidy up the clutters in her kitchen while still trying her best act to ignore him.
“That introduction you wrote about him pained me that much to the point I lost my sanity, I always knew that I was this small compared to him. But to get the confirmation from your draft was too much to comprehend for me that time. I left you that night thinking that I’d give you a call in the morning so I didn’t have to wake you up, I believed my father needed me more that time than you needed me so I took off. I gained my conscience once I got into the plane and I tried to get out of it soon enough before you realized that I left, but when I arrived back in our place, you’re already gone.” He begins to feel his tears of shame wells up in his eyes.
No matter how much she tries not to let this affect her again, Eungi feels the clenching in her heart returns again when he reminded her of her weakest moment.
“I ran to the lobby, asked the receptionist to report you as a missing person and I spent the next 24 hours in that city with the worse thoughts in my head. I was so afraid that something bad might happened to you, you were flustered enough the day before and I was sure my leaving didn’t make it any better—anything could happen to you and I swore I’d kill myself if I harmed you by my idiotic measure.” He covers his face with his palms to hide the tears that begins falling down. “That time I wished I could split myself in half so I could stay in Paris to wait for your news and go back to Seoul to help my father, but I forced to leave Paris the next day and return to Seoul while waiting for any news about you.”
She can hear him starts to sob from his seat yet she’s still pretending to clean up her messy kitchen.
“The condition in Seoul wasn’t well either, I had to fight for my father’s right while I was that worthless bastard that’s incapable of doing anything. They doubted me and I understood their reasons, they tried to rebel from the contract and most of them pulled their investment in his campus. I bet If I had you by my side, I would at least know what to do back then. I was lucky because my father has the best attorney in South Korea to help me counter the legal matters so what I needed to do to confirm his place was to gain my degree—since that’s the main requirement to replace his position—and I appointed my step mother as my person of representative while I’m fighting hard for my graduation card.”
Her kitchen is squeakily clean now and Eungi doesn’t have any other excuse to look busy, but she still stares blankly into her backsplash just to avoid looking at him.
Kyuhyun ignores her stupid attempt to avoid this talk and continues his story, “Noona, can you imagine how tough it was for me to juggle my study, my dad’s business, and still looking for you at the same time? Even though I was wrong and all these mishaps happened because of my collective mistakes, I don’t think anyone should have endured that much without having anyone to talk to.” He stops trying to look strong in front of her and begins sobbing harder, “I lived in hell the first three months until the detective I hired to track you down found out that you got out of Vienna and landed safely in Edinburgh. When I got the news, I bought a plane ticket to that city at once but then you outsmarted me as always. I couldn’t find you no matter how hard I tried to and I had to return back to Seoul again to maintain my study.”
He has enough and he lost his patience over her ignorance now, Kyuhyun gets up to walk towards her kitchen to grabs her by the shoulders and turns her around. He wants her to see how messed up his life has become without her, he wants her to understand, and he selfishly wants her to forgive him for what he’s done.
His heart is broken once again when he sees her teary face. Cha Eungi was pretending to be busy not to ignore him, but to hide the pain away from his sight.
“Noona,” Kyuhyun lowers his body and gets down on his knees in instant while his hands are holding hers—squeezing them tight. “I’m not saying I deserve a second chance from you, what I did was unforgivable but I want you to understand—you have to understand I didn’t do it all because I didn’t love you. I never stopped loving you and I never stop cursing the night I closed that apartment door to left you behind.” His sobs have turn into a big cry as he’s losing control over his own breathing.
“Stop it, Kyu.” She finally says something, her words come out in a whispers that’s easily washed out by his loud cries.
“I looked for you, noona. I followed every lead I could get of you and I’m sorry that I was always two steps behind you. I tried, I swear I tried.” He’s gasping for some air around him and he’s now helplessly sitting on the floor, “I’m sorry noona, I’m sorry for the pain I caused you, I’m sorry for our broken vow, I’m sorry I couldn’t look after you back then, but most of all, I’m sorry I hurt you like that after I promised I’d protect you.”
“Stop it Kyu!” Her cries finally break, she lowers herself and support her body with her knees before she pulls Kyuhyun closer to her. Eungi places his head on her chest while her arms round his neck to holds him even closer. “Stop with all the excuses and the reasons! I don’t care!”
Kyuhyun tries to calm his breathing, but the harder he tries the harder he cries. He lifts his hand up to wrap them around her waist to hold her tighter.
They both cry their heart out in her kitchen floor, it was obvious how they tried to prove themselves to one another and it’s obvious how much they actually need each other. Now they’re being in each other’s side and none of them care anymore of the past, since that’s not the reason they’re clinging into their pathetic memories.
“I don’t care for your excuses Kyu! Even if you planned to leave me, I don’t care!” She continues to sob, “I just want you to be here with me, holding me like this, and stay by my side. I don’t give a fuck for your reasons anymore, I didn’t care that you broke my heart, I refused to believe that you abandon me, I just want us to be us again.”
They both take their time to calm themselves while still holding on to each other. Kyuhyuns sinks his face deeper into her chest to delivers his frustration and Eungi constantly rubbing his back to calm him down.
“I love you too much to stay mad at you. For more than a year I woke up with resentment towards you but I bargained with my mind every night to forgive you whenever you’re ready to return to me. I went day by day with your vow repeated in mind to keep me going.” She whispers softly in his ear once they manage to control their breathing, “Remember when you said you needed to take your time to fix your mess? I promised I’ll wait patiently for you, didn’t i? I promised to never abandon you. I’m so easy, aren’t I? even after you threw me away like that, I still find excuses to open my heart for you and welcomes you back like this.”
Kyuhyun pulls himself away from her and looks up to study her weepy face. He runs his fingers under her eyes to wipe her tears that seems to keep on falling no matter how many time he tries to erase them. He bites his lips to counter the pain he feels from her words, he never threw her away and he hates himself more now for making her feel that way.
“I love you Kyuhyun-a.” She cups her hand on his face, “And I hate the fact that I fell for you like that, it really messed me up and I can’t even think straight anymore. I hate the fact that my world now revolves around you, and when you left, I lost my purpose and I just floats through the time like I lost my gravity. Please don’t ever do that again, I can’t take it, it’s too much! You’re too much! You’re..”
“Did you say you love me?” He can’t believe his own ears but he’s dying to hear those words from her for a long time.
“I do, I’m sorry it took me so long to-“
Kyuhyun’s pressing his lips onto hers at once, and just like riding a time machine, everything they left behind them has return as if it never broken. It’s the same warmth, the same tenderness and the same bubbly feeling in their tummies.
He parts their lips and look intensely at her, they don’t need words to describe what they feel inside. Their heartbeats alone are enough evidence of their misery while being apart, their tears are proof of the price of the pain they had to pay for a complicated misunderstanding. Eungi and Kyuhyun sit still on her kitchen floor while trying to put the pieces of their broken vow that once scattered, leaving all those painful memories behind.