Category: Romance, NC-21, Chaptered
Cast: Cha Eungi, Choi Siwon, Cho Kyuhyun
Every inch of her body is now tingling along with the butterfly sensation she feels in her stomach. She can’t remember the last time somebody embraces her passionately the way Kyuhyun does and she has to admit that she’s enjoying every single things he’s doing to her at the moment; the way he softly moves his hand to her nape in order deepen their kiss, the way he caresses her hair while he’s kissing her, the way his soft and moist lips lock with hers and the way she feels like she’s been stings by mild electricity wherever his finger touches her skin. Eungi feels like her heart is ready to jump out of her thorax anytime soon and she knows how hot her face feels right now. She doesn’t do anything to stop whatever happening in her living room, in fact she doesn’t want him to stop.
If it’s up to her, if she doesn’t need to think about consequences, if she doesn’t have to deal with her own conscience and if she can stop the time, then it’ll be here and now—the time when she feels like she just lifts up to a safer place in his embrace. But Eungi knows, she has to be the one that stop this—she can’t let themselves fall into the temptation they just created.
She braces herself to put her hands on his shoulder then softly pushes him away, she doesn’t want him to get the wrong message yet she really needs him to stop, before they got lost in their desire.
Kyuhyun moves his face slightly from hers, graces her nose with his as he makes his way up to her forehead before he lands another kiss on her head. He knows he should stop—no matter how much he wants her, it’s wrong if he uses her grief as a way to take a shortcut into her heart.
They glue their foreheads together, say nothing to each other and just sitting there busy taking care of their beating hearts.
Eungi bites her lips as she takes her distance a bit from him, she still can feel the traces of his lips on hers and she wants more, she wants more but she can’t—she’s not supposed to.
“I.. didn’t expect that.” She stutters while still tries to maintain her cool.
Kyuhyun takes a deep breath to calm himself and look away from her, he can’t stand the look of her innocent blushing face at the moment—it only makes him want more and he has to fight his own urges.
“I’m sorry.. I shouldn’t go that far.. I just..” He slams his back into the couch and covers his face with his palms. “I.. I can’t even defend myself from what I just did.”
Eungi takes a throw pillow behind her and hug it to replace her desire to hug the man in front of her instead. “It happened.” She chuckles, “I guess our relationship is now officially ruined.”
Kyuhyun takes a glance to her from the corner of his eyes, “Relationship? Do we have one?”
She nods, “Lecture-student” She points to herself then to him, “That’s what we were.”
“And what are we now?” He lifts his body and again, moves his face closer to her. “What are we now, noona?”
Eungi holds her breath while thinking the best way to describe what they have, but she’s confused. It’s so unusual for her not to have an answer to every question. She bites her lips again as she curls her brows as her attempt to squeeze the answer out of her brain.
“I’m waiting for your answer noona and please stop biting your lips. It makes me crazy.” He carefully takes the strands of her hair to slip them behind her ear.
“I.. I’m.. confused..” She finally chose to say what’s in her head and stop trying to sound smart.
“You’re my student, I’m not supposed to do this with a student! I just crossed the line! And it’s not entirely your fault because I let you kissed me and I..”
And I enjoyed it. she adds in her head.
“If I’m not your student, will you let us be what we should have been?”
“What is it that we should be?”
Eungi smiles then takes her gaze away from him, sometimes she wishes she can be as carefree as he is. She’d love to life a life where she’s a simple minded girl that always follow her heart instead of her head.
“It’s not easy..”
“We’ll have the final exam in two weeks and after that you’re no longer my professor, since you’re resigning anyway. So..”
“It’s not that simple, Kyu.” She finally gets her sanity back. “As much as I care about the rules, it’s not really the first thing that comes in my mind when I’m thinking about us.”
“What is it then?” He tries to studies her expression, desperate for a straight forward answer. He doesn’t care if she hurts him, he just wants her to be honest. “Is it him? You haven’t move on yet and that’s why you can’t open your heart to me?”
The way she closes her eyes as she glances away from him confirms his suspicion.
“I don’t want to put you in a hard positi..”
“You already did, noona.”
“I never asked you to.”
“I know.” once again he feels like he wants to rip his chest apart to takes the pain away.
“Kyu..” She moves closer to try to reach out to him.
“Don’t. Touch. Me.” He glares at her with an expression that’s hard to guess.
“I’m sorry.” She takes back her hand that’s near his thigh. “Jeongmal mianhae.”
Kyuhyun looks away from her before he gets up, “Yeah, me too, I’m sorry noona.”
He says nothing else as he takes his steps towards her front door, he’d rather excuse himself from that place instead of continuing the conversation he knew will tear his heart. If what Eungi needs is time to takes him with open arms, he’ll give her exactly that.
The last three classes they have are the most awkward class Eungi ever taught in her life. She didn’t dare to look at his face at all nor she’s able to concentrate while giving the last presentation having Kyuhyun staring at her from the back with his attentive stare that brings back the butterflies in her tummy. This is not her, Eungi always controls everything in her life and now she can’t even control herself from not wanting to be close to Kyuhyun. This wrong in so many levels of courtesy and that thought alone is the only thing preventing her from being near him.
Obviously she’s attracted to him, she’s not blind and she can see how good looking he is although that’s not the first thing she noticed from her student. She adores the way he charms her with his hidden skills that he continues to reveal, she like the way he looks at her with those adoring eyes, the way Kyuhyun gave his best effort to impress Eungi with his works, and the way he makes her feel young again.
She’s been living her life beyond her own age, since she must take responsibilities in such early stage of her life and she never stopped being an adult since she was ten. With Kyuhyun by her side, she feels like she’s a teenager again and she can’t even remember if she ever allowed herself to live her teenage life the way it should.
She never sneaked out to go to a friend’s party—heck she didn’t even have friends that are her age, she tried to drink alcohol by the time she’s 25, unlike most teenager that tried to sneaked it into their room from their parent’s stack during high-school, she never goes to a club to party, she never be naughty enough to feel like she’s alive. She’s always the goody-two-shoes and the teacher’s pet that impressed the adults with her amazing brain. And she’s tired of all that, she wants to take a rest from that rigid life of hers and break free for once.
She knows what’s been restraining her from doing it is Siwon, she doesn’t want to betray what they had. She can’t be moving on that fast from her deceased fiancé that saved her life, she can’t just ignore that fact and continues on with her life with a new romance. Her guilt is the only reason for her to stand her ground. She lets herself sink in the sweet memories she had with him in order to hold on into their love—or what’s left of it and the more she’s doing that, the more she feels like she’s been fooling herself.
“Kyosu-nim.” Kangin the head class approaches her desk with his hands in his back, taking Eungi’s mind away from her daydream.
Kangin takes out his hand and smiles widely while giving a bouquet of lilies and baby breath. “This is from the whole class, since this is our last lesson from you and you’re resigning also.” He turns around and command his classmates to stand and say their thanks to her.
“Kamsahamnida Kyosu-nim!” they bow simultaneously.
Eungi’s touched by the sweet gesture her students do for her, she gets up and bows back at them before taking the flower from Kangin. “I never excepted flowers in my last class before.” She sniffs the bouquet, “Thanks so much for this, guys. I thought you didn’t like my class.” She adds while grinning.
“You’re our favorite!” One student shouts from the back.
“Don’t resign Kyosu-nim, teach us next semester.”
“We never had a young professor that’s smart and pleasing in the eyes at the same time!”
Eungi laughs to their statements, she’s sincerely happy with what they prepared for her and she knows how much she’ll miss teaching this class—and how much she’ll miss one particular student in it.
Eungi puts the bouquet on her desk and decided to do something she never done in her years of teaching, “Since this is the last class and after I dismiss you, I no longer your professor.” She clears her throat before she continues, “Let’s have dinner together tonight in Hongdae! Round one and two are on me—I can’t promise a round three though.”
Her students cheer happily and stating they’re agree with her plan.
“It’s my farewell to all of you.” She bows to her student, “Thanks for letting me teach you and thanks for the nice experience.”
Her students clap their hand again.
“Well, for the last time, class dismissed!” She signs towards the door to allows her student to leave the class.
Cha Eungi can’t stop glancing towards the door of the youth club in Hongdae as she pretends to enjoy her time hanging out with her students. She hates crowded place and she hates loud music, combine those with screaming youngsters that seems to be able to chug anything into their belly is probably one of the thing she won’t do ever again. Her student has been offering her many kind of alcohols, but she gladly refused since she tries to keep looking sober, she can’t let her guard down in front of them, especially since he’s not here.
Kyuhyun didn’t show up on their first round dinner and he’s still not showing up to the club where they’re having their second round. One of the reason Eungi suggested this crazy farewell is because she wants to find an excuse to hang out with him, she finds comfort whenever she’s around him but she also understands how he’s been keeping his distance from her ever since she said she can’t go further in their relationship. She hurt his pride and she deserves to be ignore by him.
“Kyosu-nim, come on! How could you pay for our drinks and not enjoying it?” One of her student brings a glass of beer and give it to her.
“Why don’t you finish that for me, I’m fine.” She refuses politely and takes her phone to pretend to be look busy.
The display on her screen shows it’s only nine o’clock while she feels like it’s already past midnight. She can’t believe how slow time moves when she’s not having a great time. She has one notification in her messages and her heart skips a beat when she sees his name on it. Eungi quickly opens the message and she’s stunned with what she sees.
It’s her picture taken earlier this noon, while she just received the flower bouquet from her students and he wrote:
“I’ll go the distance to draw this expression in your face, to have those warm smiling eyes and to make your life worthwhile. But I’m so full of myself, right noona? I can never be that man that worth to be by your side. So, goodbye, Cha Eungi, I wish you the best in life. It’s a pleasure to ever been taught by the most wonderful person I’ve ever known.”
She’s not sure if she’s angry or sad with his message. One part of her feels like she deserves to get this kind of goodbye from him, but the other part disagrees. Deep inside she wants him to fight harder, she wants him to tries his best, she wants him to want her the way she secretly wants him—she selfishly wants him to help her to move on.
Eungi gets up from her seat, pick one student that still look sober enough to leave a message that she’s calling it a night, pays their drinks then leaves the club to get to the main road before she hails a cab.
She can’t think straight right now as she lets angers controls her. She can’t believe she fell into the charm of the person she shouldn’t have to, she angry at herself for wanting him this bad without ever realizing that she ever wanted him to be around, she’s frustrated with her own guilt of betrayal and she’s furious that she thinks she’s betraying Siwon—because she’s not! She has sabotaged herself from feeling happy since she thinks she doesn’t deserve to and now she hit her limit and ready to explode.
She has to move on, she can’t forever live in the puddle of grieves in order to keep him alive. This is probably her only chance, Kyuhyun probably is her one last shot to gain the idea of a great life she has in her head and she can’t let this go.
She quickens her steps once she reaches his building, presses the elevator button repeatedly while cursing it to come faster, she doesn’t know what she’s about to say but she wants to see him—she has to see him. She runs along the hallway and ring the bells impatiently until someone opens up the door.
His face is grim and his hair is a mess as if he tries to answer his door while he’s occupied with something else. He stares down at her waiting for her to explain why she’s here while all she does is starring. Cha Eungi eyes moves quickly to study his face and her mind seems to refuse to work with her, she’s stunned and all the speech she prepared for him in the cab now vanished.
“Can I help you, noona?” He finally breaks the silent, “If not, I’m quite busy..”
“Can I come in?”
She takes a second careful look into his messy appearance and her mind clicks, “Ahh, you have company.” She forces a weak smile, “Sorry, I should’ve called first.”
“Why you’re here?” His body language telling her to leave but his heart wants her to be here longer.
Eungi looks down to her foot as if they interest her, “Nothing, I…” she bites her lips nervously, “You.. well, you didn’t come..”
“I have other plan.”
“I can see that.” She clears her throat, “I should say my farewell though, so..” She slowly lifts her face to stare into his eyes, “Goodbye.”
“Take care.” He replies coldly as he moves to close the door in front of her face.
Kyuhyun is trying his best to look strong in front of her. He’s acting like so not because he has company, nor because he’s really busy doing something. He just went to the darkest place in the internet and witness something he’d regret forever, he just got his own confirmation on how worthless he is compare to the man that was on her side.
Eungi holds the door just in time before it really shut close in front of her face. “Do you hate me that much?! Can’t I at least get a proper goodbye from you? Can’t we at least talk?!” She begins raises her voice to gets his attention, which succeeded when he opens the door bigger.
“What do you want to talk about?” His body still covers the entryway.
“I don’t know.” She lets out a big sigh, “I just want to see you.”
She lifts both of her shoulder, “Never mind, I’m sorry I interrupted you.” She really lost her words once she faced him and she doesn’t need to make their situation more uncomfortable than it already is.
Eungi was only taking a few steps when Kyuhyun softly speak—almost whispering—from the place he’s standing on.
“Noona, whatever I do for you won’t be enough, right? I’ll never be that man.”
Eungi stops and turn around, she hates the way he looks right now. His cocky confidence has gone, his eagle eyes are now weary and he looks shaken from something that she doesn’t understand.
“What are you talking about, Kyuhyun-a? I never compare..”
“Because it’s incomparable.”
“No matter what I do, I won’t ever beat a man that devoted his life to his last moment for you, Eungi-ya.” Without him knowing, tears have falling from his face. What he saw earlier has shaken him to his core and he’s as much in shock as he is in pain.
“I don’t understand what you’re saying, Kyu.” She lifts her hand to touch his teary face, “Seriously, you need to speak straight to the point to me right now, because I’m not that smart to decode your words.”
“I saw..” His body begins shaking as he starts to cry, “I’m sorry noona.. I saw what happened.. with you and him.. in Paris..” He lifts his right hand to cover his mouth to suppress his own cries, “I’m sorry it happened to you like that… I’m sorry..”
The pain she tries to bury now cracks open once more along with his odds statement. One second she’s happy with her life and the next second she’s reminded of her debt to Siwon from the mouth of the man she wished could help her. Eungi feels an extravagant pain in her heart and she knows that’s how Kyuhyun feels also, if he seen what happened then he knew what has been roughly taken away from her.
She stares at him in disbelieve, if her assumption is right then it means Kyuhyun saw the tragic night that still haunts her nightmare. She visions the horrible scene one more time as if there’s an automatic replay button in her head whenever Siwon’s name is recall, and for the hundredth times Siwon is dying again and again in front of her eyes.
This is it, this is her limit and she can no longer pretend to be strong.
“Do you have any idea how it feels to lose what I have lost?” Eungi’s voice is trembling but clearly heard in between her frantic cries.
As shaken as he is with what he saw from the CCTV footage in the restaurant where Eungi and Siwon spent their last dinner together, he understands the woman in front of him is more in pain than he is. Once again he tries to be the rock she needs by offering his warm embrace to shelter her from the pain she created herself. He tried and failed to be the rock she needs as he begins to shed more tears once she helplessly wraps her arms on his back.